I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
