We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
this is an emotional support booty call
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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