my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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