Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
This baby is an asshole
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
