I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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