Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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