So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
