Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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