shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
