ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize