So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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