I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
