why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
