I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
