happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
