Taylor Swift is so right about you.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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