Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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