So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
