My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
whose ass print is on the piano?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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