I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
