i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize