I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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