I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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