She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
