hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
