is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
