so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
