Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Randomize
