I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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