if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
