don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
