my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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