mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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