I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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