Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
