matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize