I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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