You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
