she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This toilet bowl is my home.
we should paint friendship bongs
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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