could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
