I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
