Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Randomize
