32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
