A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
