I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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