My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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