he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
