I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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