evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
