cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize