I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
How naked do you want me to be?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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