I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
