between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
