He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
