Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
