he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
