i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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