He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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