"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
