They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
