i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
