Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
